Fabulous piece. This makes me want to read your imagining from the pov of the girl who is jealous of YOU! I admit it's a little cringy to think about but it might be an interesting experiment!
Very relatable, especially the note about how queerness intersects with this kind of comparison. I’m a bisexual woman and can’t tell you how many times the visceral jealousy I feel about a woman is really desire and awe. It all gets mixed together.
Ugh, so relatable. I follow two people I know in real life on IG. I would normally be able to dismiss their images as "curated" but I know they really ARE that perfect. And it kills me. If they can be that perfect, why can't I ever seem to get even close to that level of perfection?? If I know it's a distinct possibility to actually be that way, then falling short feels that much worse....
This spoke volumes. Thank you for articulating the words so perfectly. Sometimes I think it is just “in our nature” to be competitive. Albeit I’ve always been told men are the more competitive/aggressive sex, evolutionarily speaking, due to having to fight for females to mate with. However, in reality/the contemporary world I have seen more males with very close friends w/o all the extra baggage (insecurities, jealousy, etc) that comes with trying to find female companionship. I wonder how females are towards each other in other cultures, or if this is mostly seen in individualistic societies. Whatever the case may be, we NEED solutions. This is very upsetting for us women when right now is a critical time in history to unite… 😔
Wow, loved this comment! I agree with you so much that now is so critical for more unification between us all, and I remain hopeful that spaces like this are helping to cultivate that! The individualism/patriarchy/capitalism combo has really done a doozy on the way women view and treat each other as competition. I think a beautiful place to start is to identify and get curious about what our jealousy is trying to speak to us. <3
Wow, wonderful piece! It gets even worse and more complex if you consider that deeply rooted hatred towards women because they remind you of your mum, or yourself as a child (before the world turned you into a stonecold witch)...
i see a lot of myself in this post- in the silence and shame and comparison. but i also see such a stark disconnect from my lived experience specifically as a black fem presenting person in this world. so often i see this rhetoric repeated of femininity being comparative, often based on power and fear. so little do i see people acknowledging that this IS the reality- for white women.
when we consider patriarchy, and how it both created / defined AND currently enforces gender roles (particularly femininity, of course), it is a startlingly white concept. humanness in and of itself is a very white concept. when you search "girlhood" on pinterest, algorithms assume you want whiteness. white femininity is THE femininity. what struck me most in this piece was honestly the part where you so clearly acknowledge the precipice of the issue- how patriarchy limits (white) women's ability to relate to other women. how empathy becomes an assessment. how the goalpost of being "equal to men" creates an environment of competition with (white) women.
as a black "woman," i know that i am not even usually considered in this equation. of course, there are beautiful black women. of course, white women can feel inferior to black women, or competitive towards them. often, i think they do- but mostly because for a black woman (who is not inherently part of this dynamic between white women and men) to be perceived as better than a white woman actually feels like an affront. we aren't even supposed to be there. in the origins of femininity and masculinity, we weren't. we were a level below.
and in these conversations today, i see that hierarchy with clear eyes. i see the lack of consideration of women of color- and i don't blame those on the top of the pecking order for not thinking to look down; but just as much, i feel the pain from being stepped on.
the patriarchal system DOES benefit from infighting, from competition. and ALL white people benefit from the patriarchy; white people will ALWAYS be on top. white women are so concerned with getting on level with white men, they are careless towards other women, black women, queer women. i'm sure we've all experienced a "pick me girl" who throws other girls to the wolves to make herself look better... this is almost all white women. but they often don't even realize it.
brat falls short for me, and this post honestly exemplified why.
directly confronting issues that impact all women, such as expectations for beauty and insecurity, is a beautiful thing. but it isn't enough. it just isn't. not when there are people with no voice to lend to their experiences, not when the voice speaking these things out is a privileged one, one that doesn't materially suffer from sharing these "unpopular" thoughts. while compassion is so needed, it is not a cure. the system needs torn down. the standards need abolished. the voices that cannot be heard are the ones that need to be.
working it out on the remix is a great opportunity for the people who can. but for the rest of us, for those of us who are still a level below and are not even given a thought, i just don't think it rings through the same. or maybe that's just me !
Ooof. This hit me hard. I’m also so relieved by reading it because you perfectly explained something I’ve struggled to articulate and fully understand my entire life. Thank you. XX
Fabulous piece. This makes me want to read your imagining from the pov of the girl who is jealous of YOU! I admit it's a little cringy to think about but it might be an interesting experiment!
Very relatable, especially the note about how queerness intersects with this kind of comparison. I’m a bisexual woman and can’t tell you how many times the visceral jealousy I feel about a woman is really desire and awe. It all gets mixed together.
Ugh, so relatable. I follow two people I know in real life on IG. I would normally be able to dismiss their images as "curated" but I know they really ARE that perfect. And it kills me. If they can be that perfect, why can't I ever seem to get even close to that level of perfection?? If I know it's a distinct possibility to actually be that way, then falling short feels that much worse....
Thank you for your insightful post. :)
This spoke volumes. Thank you for articulating the words so perfectly. Sometimes I think it is just “in our nature” to be competitive. Albeit I’ve always been told men are the more competitive/aggressive sex, evolutionarily speaking, due to having to fight for females to mate with. However, in reality/the contemporary world I have seen more males with very close friends w/o all the extra baggage (insecurities, jealousy, etc) that comes with trying to find female companionship. I wonder how females are towards each other in other cultures, or if this is mostly seen in individualistic societies. Whatever the case may be, we NEED solutions. This is very upsetting for us women when right now is a critical time in history to unite… 😔
Wow, loved this comment! I agree with you so much that now is so critical for more unification between us all, and I remain hopeful that spaces like this are helping to cultivate that! The individualism/patriarchy/capitalism combo has really done a doozy on the way women view and treat each other as competition. I think a beautiful place to start is to identify and get curious about what our jealousy is trying to speak to us. <3
Wow, wonderful piece! It gets even worse and more complex if you consider that deeply rooted hatred towards women because they remind you of your mum, or yourself as a child (before the world turned you into a stonecold witch)...
Reading this was cathartic.
i see a lot of myself in this post- in the silence and shame and comparison. but i also see such a stark disconnect from my lived experience specifically as a black fem presenting person in this world. so often i see this rhetoric repeated of femininity being comparative, often based on power and fear. so little do i see people acknowledging that this IS the reality- for white women.
when we consider patriarchy, and how it both created / defined AND currently enforces gender roles (particularly femininity, of course), it is a startlingly white concept. humanness in and of itself is a very white concept. when you search "girlhood" on pinterest, algorithms assume you want whiteness. white femininity is THE femininity. what struck me most in this piece was honestly the part where you so clearly acknowledge the precipice of the issue- how patriarchy limits (white) women's ability to relate to other women. how empathy becomes an assessment. how the goalpost of being "equal to men" creates an environment of competition with (white) women.
as a black "woman," i know that i am not even usually considered in this equation. of course, there are beautiful black women. of course, white women can feel inferior to black women, or competitive towards them. often, i think they do- but mostly because for a black woman (who is not inherently part of this dynamic between white women and men) to be perceived as better than a white woman actually feels like an affront. we aren't even supposed to be there. in the origins of femininity and masculinity, we weren't. we were a level below.
and in these conversations today, i see that hierarchy with clear eyes. i see the lack of consideration of women of color- and i don't blame those on the top of the pecking order for not thinking to look down; but just as much, i feel the pain from being stepped on.
the patriarchal system DOES benefit from infighting, from competition. and ALL white people benefit from the patriarchy; white people will ALWAYS be on top. white women are so concerned with getting on level with white men, they are careless towards other women, black women, queer women. i'm sure we've all experienced a "pick me girl" who throws other girls to the wolves to make herself look better... this is almost all white women. but they often don't even realize it.
brat falls short for me, and this post honestly exemplified why.
directly confronting issues that impact all women, such as expectations for beauty and insecurity, is a beautiful thing. but it isn't enough. it just isn't. not when there are people with no voice to lend to their experiences, not when the voice speaking these things out is a privileged one, one that doesn't materially suffer from sharing these "unpopular" thoughts. while compassion is so needed, it is not a cure. the system needs torn down. the standards need abolished. the voices that cannot be heard are the ones that need to be.
working it out on the remix is a great opportunity for the people who can. but for the rest of us, for those of us who are still a level below and are not even given a thought, i just don't think it rings through the same. or maybe that's just me !
sooooo true bestie thanks for saying it out loud
This is genius
cuz i ride for u, valerie
I loved this so much
thank you arden ❤️
This is brilliantly written. I'm crying by the end of it. And it's true compassion is the remedy..🫶🥹
Ooof. This hit me hard. I’m also so relieved by reading it because you perfectly explained something I’ve struggled to articulate and fully understand my entire life. Thank you. XX
❤️❤️❤️❤️
This reminds me of Mary Gaitskill’s essay, ‘The Friendship Challenge’ — the way envy crops up as admiration, idolisation and inadequacy all at once.
Great read, thanks for putting a name to something that so many experience and battle with.
“Building conspiracies in my head…” is spot on! (Actually, it was all spot on.)
I wouldn’t be surprised if some other young woman felt this way about you!
Absolutely obsessed with your writing x