how to feel safe
when you're not ready
Honesty comes in every shape, and mine’s a whisper. I never really understood this concept of being whole. Whole milk, whole foods, wholesale … The longer you look at a word, the faster its meaning dissolves in front of your very eyes, quicksanding into a letter assortment. There’s a silhouette-shaped void inside of me, I thought for a long while, that can’t be filled with meaning or people or a signed-stamped guarantee of both. Certainty would come and go. The structure falls to pieces as if the promise was a missing Jenga block – I just don’t have the patience or precision. One can wait an eternity to feel whole. But what about being empty and content at the same time? If attention is the new economy, I’m trading miracles.
We need safety to do the things we want to do – and betting on yourself is not a question of virtue, strategy, or responsibility. A glamorous sound or a fool’s admission. Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to the promise of absolutely f*cking nothing! Whenever I get asked about my principle of giving it my all, I never quite know how to answer. All I know is that resistance to cynicism reaps its rewards without you having to lift a finger, and testaments to that brew in the process. Freshly out of high school, I left my country, friends, and family in what you’d call pursuit of ‘greatness’. To find a better life abroad, to get to know myself through obstacles. Under the full weight of financial responsibility and no support system, it was up to me to get creative. Going the standard route wasn’t an option, and, well, somebody had to make do. I started a meme page, which turned to a successful project that satisfied both my lifestyle and my soul for multiple years. The first purchase I made once it was safe enough to afford something beyond necessities is permanently burnt into my memory: new Fendi shades. Many years (and fears) later, I still maintain my holy ritual of buying sunglasses for any milestone celebration. That is just one example of not going about things the way you’re expected to go about them.
