I absolutely love this! I really liked your point that true charm has nothing to do with money, appearance, or achievement---true charm is about creating comfort and ease in an interaction with someone. I think that the things people often use to charm others (money, appearance etc.) are often the exact opposite of charming---they create an unsettling feeling of inadequacy that interferes with true connection.
A lovely read and special one because it slowly raise many questions within. It got me thinking that behind all that is the idea of perfection that is ultimate control, how we want to be perceived vs how we truly are, that in reality creates separation, trying to achieve all these steps instead of being open to the spontaneity of life. So worry about how things look instead of how they feel.
Lately, I notice I find it hard to talk to strangers, to make the first move, and the first thing that pops into my mind is what do I say? But I think deep down, after reading your easy, what I think is, what do I say to sound interesting? Instead of being interested.
I love this so much! I listened to a podcast some time ago and there was one quote which your text reminded me of: "give people the chance to reject you". They truth is, they may never take it and instead, the action could be an elevator to a life that finally feels true to you. But it's either taking the action or never knowing what could have been, and I think the second option scares me way more at this point, definitely now that I've read this. Thank you🤍
i love this and i read it really fast in the break room at work and i'm going to go back and read it again this weekend because i'm obsessed amazing work
Oof you're so right about what real charm means! One of my newest friends is a self-described personality hire, and she's exactly like you mentioned ... she's unafraid to be herself, but she's also sweet and genuine with other people, always throwing out compliments, taking an interest in their lives, making them feel comfortable in her presence. And she is charming AF.
This is an incredible, so well-put reflection. Love love love. It also made me realize how much more comfortable I feel when also putting less into myself, and how usually I have the BEST interactions when I’m disheveled, casual, etc. Maybe because I’m not so self conscious? “I accepted that this is how I look and I’m seeking something deeper today” - don’t know if it makes sense, but I’m definitely going to be channeling this modus operandi more. It’s about them, not me! And I love learning more about people than I love presenting myself a certain way - why I don’t focus on this more often, I don’t know. It’s like I’m conditioned to be pretty, sit still, look nice, etc. But I don’t want any of that - it doesn’t fill me as much. Thank you thank you.
Ahh this was such an important read for me and put words to things I didn’t know. I spend the first two weeks of 2025 bed rotting and doing nothing and wanting to be charming and fit and all this other stuff. And randomly I started interacting with my world, I woke up and forced myself to act. Now I’m taking self defense, personal training (met him in self-defense and also babysit his kids cause I *can* be charming apparently), ballroom dance, and all of these require me to be socially active (and physically active but that’s the easy part).
The point is that up until I started doing, I viewed charm as an ability I didn’t possess, a process I needed to master (thus my past failures). I had to throw myself out there to interact with the world to gain my own charm. And my charm is just being myself!
Guys straight up throw yourself out there! It works!! (to an extent, you get what you put in)
this essay will need an eviction notice from mY head bc ... wow. your writing always holds up a mirror to everyone who reads and perhaps that's why we're so chARmEd!!!
Finally, someone said it. The ‘For You’ page started feeling like ‘For Everyone’ 🙃. Niche spaces are the only thing keeping the internet interesting—where else am I gonna deep dive into weirdly specific obsessions with strangers who just get it?
I so often feel like people care more about being cool than they do about being themselves — and it’s really ruining us. Being earnest and curious makes life so much more interesting! We don’t have to know everything or be everything. We need other people and for that, we have to recalibrate ourselves. A perfect manual!!
Love this Valerie, thank you. I struggle with being authentic and making connections in a world that seems to value the surface. I find too much performance phoniness in most people I meet. It drives me crazy about relating and friendships in our world these days.
This is the kind of essay that reminds me why I got substack. I wanted to be inspired and deeply touched by individual thinkers like you! Too many good advice, I love how honest and straightforward this is. A charming essay if I’ve ever read one!
I absolutely love this! I really liked your point that true charm has nothing to do with money, appearance, or achievement---true charm is about creating comfort and ease in an interaction with someone. I think that the things people often use to charm others (money, appearance etc.) are often the exact opposite of charming---they create an unsettling feeling of inadequacy that interferes with true connection.
couldn’t agree more Caroline 🤍
A lovely read and special one because it slowly raise many questions within. It got me thinking that behind all that is the idea of perfection that is ultimate control, how we want to be perceived vs how we truly are, that in reality creates separation, trying to achieve all these steps instead of being open to the spontaneity of life. So worry about how things look instead of how they feel.
Lately, I notice I find it hard to talk to strangers, to make the first move, and the first thing that pops into my mind is what do I say? But I think deep down, after reading your easy, what I think is, what do I say to sound interesting? Instead of being interested.
yes yes yes! let’s get curious 😌
I love this so much! I listened to a podcast some time ago and there was one quote which your text reminded me of: "give people the chance to reject you". They truth is, they may never take it and instead, the action could be an elevator to a life that finally feels true to you. But it's either taking the action or never knowing what could have been, and I think the second option scares me way more at this point, definitely now that I've read this. Thank you🤍
i love this and i read it really fast in the break room at work and i'm going to go back and read it again this weekend because i'm obsessed amazing work
angelina 🤍🤍
Oof you're so right about what real charm means! One of my newest friends is a self-described personality hire, and she's exactly like you mentioned ... she's unafraid to be herself, but she's also sweet and genuine with other people, always throwing out compliments, taking an interest in their lives, making them feel comfortable in her presence. And she is charming AF.
yes! that’s the formula! 🎯
This is an incredible, so well-put reflection. Love love love. It also made me realize how much more comfortable I feel when also putting less into myself, and how usually I have the BEST interactions when I’m disheveled, casual, etc. Maybe because I’m not so self conscious? “I accepted that this is how I look and I’m seeking something deeper today” - don’t know if it makes sense, but I’m definitely going to be channeling this modus operandi more. It’s about them, not me! And I love learning more about people than I love presenting myself a certain way - why I don’t focus on this more often, I don’t know. It’s like I’m conditioned to be pretty, sit still, look nice, etc. But I don’t want any of that - it doesn’t fill me as much. Thank you thank you.
LOVE all of the insights sofia❣️thank you for reading
your whole past teenage self is exactly who i am i feel so seen
she was a work in progress but we love her
Ahh this was such an important read for me and put words to things I didn’t know. I spend the first two weeks of 2025 bed rotting and doing nothing and wanting to be charming and fit and all this other stuff. And randomly I started interacting with my world, I woke up and forced myself to act. Now I’m taking self defense, personal training (met him in self-defense and also babysit his kids cause I *can* be charming apparently), ballroom dance, and all of these require me to be socially active (and physically active but that’s the easy part).
The point is that up until I started doing, I viewed charm as an ability I didn’t possess, a process I needed to master (thus my past failures). I had to throw myself out there to interact with the world to gain my own charm. And my charm is just being myself!
Guys straight up throw yourself out there! It works!! (to an extent, you get what you put in)
you're making incredible moves Scarlett 💗
Fuck I love brilliant minds
this essay will need an eviction notice from mY head bc ... wow. your writing always holds up a mirror to everyone who reads and perhaps that's why we're so chARmEd!!!
ahhh an endless thank you from me to you ❤️
Finally, someone said it. The ‘For You’ page started feeling like ‘For Everyone’ 🙃. Niche spaces are the only thing keeping the internet interesting—where else am I gonna deep dive into weirdly specific obsessions with strangers who just get it?
I loved this so much!
I so often feel like people care more about being cool than they do about being themselves — and it’s really ruining us. Being earnest and curious makes life so much more interesting! We don’t have to know everything or be everything. We need other people and for that, we have to recalibrate ourselves. A perfect manual!!
thank you madeleine & i agree!!
Love this Valerie, thank you. I struggle with being authentic and making connections in a world that seems to value the surface. I find too much performance phoniness in most people I meet. It drives me crazy about relating and friendships in our world these days.
thank you so much Barry 🤍 i’m happy it resonated!
finally had time to reread. obsessed. favorite thing you've ever written. i can't wait for MORE <3
This is the kind of essay that reminds me why I got substack. I wanted to be inspired and deeply touched by individual thinkers like you! Too many good advice, I love how honest and straightforward this is. A charming essay if I’ve ever read one!
Alison, that means so much - thank you 💙
This is magnetic, looking forward to parts two and three!
thanks so much – i hope you’ll enjoy them!!