training myself to do hard things
notes on process, flow state, and just doing the work
The contradictory reality of doing things fascinates me more every day. Some (subjective) truths: I’m a productive woman. I like to work hard and get shit done. I’m surrounded by people with great work ethic and relentless ambition. I know very well that my capacity of bringing something to completion is insurmountable. The contradiction: the above is only true 50% of the time. In reality, my process is almost entirely reliant on inspiration or some ubiquitous attempts at avoiding mediocrity rather than a humble practice, often ushering me towards isolation and, paradoxically, very average output. I’m over being voyeuristic about myself. There has to be a deeper, steadier meaning than the anxiety of keeping up.
You, like me, may also be suffering from the slot machine brain - when your creative metabolism has been calibrated to short, sharp hits of validation. Yes, it’s largely social media, but I suspect it’s also how I’m wired. If everything I do is conditional upon instant gratification, then, by nature, the process crumbles the second I receive none or perceive it as less-than-earned. A solid structure (the hard work being done) upheld by a changing force (will they like it? when do I get the reward? what does this say about me?) is hard work’s worst enemy. I find it easy to sit down and write something on a deadline if I know I’m putting it online, and increasingly harder to steer through a longstanding project, one where picking at one thing for an extended time period is necessary, yet propped by a sense of both uselessness and uncertainty. I will then backlog the project together with the ambition that preceded it - because it lacked immediacy, clarity, enough eyes on it, or stimulation.
I thought I had a patience problem. But it’s looking like a morality problem after all: we filter our capability through some moral framework, assuming that a lack of eternal inspiration or confidence signals a change is due; that we should be doing something differently or worse, quit doing it altogether. Octavia Butler said, “There is no end to what a living world will demand of you,” but the biggest, most insatiable demand is one that emerges from within, such as our expectations of ourselves.
