can mushrooms fix a girl? reflecting on my first psychedelic experience
is travis kelce in the room with us right now?
there's virtually no way for me to describe my first psilocybin experience without exposing myself as someone who, up until two weeks ago, hadn’t tried psychedelics in any form. in my defense, i am incredibly sensitive to anything psychoactive, so i stay away altogether. even though the ‘i’m not like other girls’ narrative is vapid and nearly always offensive (why wouldn’t i want to be? women are cool), when it comes to mind-altering molecules, i am truly, genuinely not like most girlies. it’s less about the substance and more about the need to control my surroundings at any given moment in time, but a bad joint just might convince me i’m entering a forever state of psychosis or, worse, morphing into a cactus.
everything changed two weeks ago on a sunny friday morning in berlin. my dear friend, who happens to be an experienced trip sitter, vouched to guide me through my first trip while i was staying over. i knew what i was getting into and felt ready because, well, life is going well and there’s nothing acute bothering me right now, which is rare. whatever were to happen, i could handle it.
i also wanted to be intentional about my trip. a lot of the conversation within psilocybin subreddits revolves around the importance of taking it as a learning experience vs taking it for fun. i needed the former — i have massive respect for all the research that’s been done on psilocybin and microdosing, and i truly believe under the right circumstances it can heal people and do miraculous things to the mind. and even though i didn’t quite believe a good trip was possible for me — an eternally neurotic and anxious woman who just can’t grasp the concept of enjoying a mind-altered state — i was (spoiler alert) proven wrong in the end!
opting for a relatively lower-than-average dose taking my sensitivity and susceptibility to going batshit crazy into account, i sat back, relaxed, and waited for the ethereal magic to kick in.
phase 1
the room feels regular and ordinary, but the concept of time is dissipating — i’m not sure if it’s been 5 minutes or 35, but what does it matter? i start to intentionally picture things i enjoy most: nature, friends, tech bros in their little hiking attire. for a proper immersion, my friend put on one of those pov youtube videos that walk you through a forest. i’m staring at the tv and trying to comprehend if i’m high already or just good at convincing myself i’m high. nonetheless, there’s no anxiety and my thoughts aren’t racing — both of which, in retrospect, were a good indicator.
comfortable yet slightly unimpressed by the effects so far, i make peace with the fact i may never experience pure joy and ecstasy for as long as i live. just not in the cards for me i guess?
phase 2
scratch that. something is totally happening, too vivid for a placebo. the ambiance of the room starts to unfold and shapeshift into a beautifully curated synergy of light, sound, and visuals. everything is sharper, more alive. nothing is particularly off or different, and i can’t put my finger on what’s changed, but i notice everything around me with a newfound fascination.
body? floating delightfully. certain lightness to it and how it feels, not weighed down by perpetual hyperawareness and negative self-perception. i look down at my hands and realize i had been dragging my body as though a burden, an obligation, true sisyphean style. right now it feels like the most metaphysical entity. breathing, blinking, moving my limbs; all so beautifully divine, as nature intended. this is what bodies were made for, i recall thinking. i start to get pissed at myself for actively disliking myself like it’s a full-time gig while my body continues to perform and keep me in good health with great stamina and a stable mind. get your priorities straight.
i’d been told journaling was important if you’re on a quest for philosophically adjacent conclusions during your trip. i grab my journal and attempt freestyle poetry, but every letter comes alive as i’m writing it, bouncy and bubbly, so i switch to doodling what i see (or feel?) on paper instead.
look at these creatures lmfao
at one point, i was crying uncontrollably. then laughing. then back to crying. the flood of emotions was a bloody mess, but each one of them felt so good and natural to experience. it’s funny to be in such a perplexing, chaotic state yet not at all afraid of it or embarrassed by the intensity. embracing it for what it is.
phase 3
one of the most fascinating effects of psilocybin to me — and it’s going to be near impossible to put into words, but i’ll try — is that the lines between your thoughts and reality get blurred, and every passing thought manifests in front of you as you’re thinking it. you’re picturing something and it materializes in front of you, ready to be known and acquainted with. it’s that oneness and unity everyone talks about when describing their trip. the only nuance is, i never anticipated that said oneness applies to anything, including whatever stupid thing you saw or read online that day. and i probably shouldn’t have gone on twitter before tripping. but it’s too late now.
“nap timeeeeee” i yell out. my friend is looking over at me with genuine concern. does she not get the reference? travis kelce? taylor swift’s beau. it’s an old tweet of his, or shall we say one of many among the glorious assortment of his digital legacy. his old tweets were dug up by some swiftie and went viral recently, partly thanks to their innocent himbo nature. i’m consciously realizing i probably should be thinking about more important, higher-vibration stuff: the sistine chapel, mountains, the divine feminine, lightness, reincarnation, diptyque candles. but i’m going down this road now, great. all i can think about is travis kelce and his stupid old tweets and the fact that my thought process is so big and bouncy and uncontrollable he’s kind of in the room with us right now. maybe he’s a stranger, maybe a lover, a sign from the universe, or maybe.. he is me? as mitski would put it, i’ve been travis kelce, i am travis kelce, i am the nap and i am travis, and i am a witness watching him nap.
there are tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at the stupidity of thinking about this man because i 1. don’t know anything about him 2. genuinely don’t care 3. i don’t like his beard?? but in this moment, he’s my whole world. he is MY travis, my lifeline, taking up the whole room. it’s so dumb yet so incredible. i suddenly have so much empathy for taylor with her carbon emissions fiasco because i, too, would commit some serious climate crimes flying across the globe to see him. i get it, i think to myself, i really do.
phase 4
the phase where you slowly come back to your baseline senses is a smooth ride. it was pleasantly gradual. the crazy visuals were first to part ways with me, followed by vivid colors and sharpness of sound. my mood was still elevated and remained there for a long time — felt glowy from the inside out, sort of how you do after a good workout but without the sweat. my friend and i chatted on the sofa for a little more while listening to lana until i felt ready to fully come back to myself. first thing i did was devour a bag of potato chips — and i’ll have you know they tasted heavenly. unlike weed munchies where i tend to go to town with anything remotely edible in front of me, which gets a bit out of control and sporadic, eating post-psilocybin is more of a ritual. i wasn’t even hungry, i just liked the sensation of discovering flavors for the first time.
the afterglow stayed with me for a while, and i still get an occasional flashback here and then (minus travis) remembering how great everything looked, sounded, and tasted.
i do think mushrooms taught me a very important lesson and fulfilled my intention, but not in the way i’d anticipated. based on what i’d been told, i expected something groundbreaking to come out of the woodwork — but the real lesson was much more tangible and simple, right in front of me all along. it’s that i shouldn’t always assume things about myself, my mind, and my body. i’m not as neurotic as i thought, not as obsessed with controlling my surroundings, and quite capable of letting go and enjoying myself in a vulnerable state. i was able to embrace the madness unfolding in front of me, and this is not something i say lightly or take for granted — because it never ever happens to me sober. psilocybin takes you for a ride for the sake of the ride itself, not necessarily the discovery upon it — and maybe it didn’t fix me because there’s nothing to fix, despite what i tell myself.
i still try to incorporate these takeaways into my daily life. indulging in the mundane and noticing my senses. little moments are worth so much: you’ll find the whole universe inside of you if you’re curious enough to pay attention.
here’s a little psilocybin checklist, what i believe was key to having a positive trip and would recommend to anyone trying mushrooms for the first time:
make sure you have a sober (!) guide you trust — i spend a lot of time alone and i’m completely comfortable by myself on any occasion; so believe me when i say this is not something i would enjoy solo as a first-timer. your sense of reality might warp a bit too much for your comfort and liking, and your sober guide will act as an anchor to ground you
clear your agenda. i had that day off so i wasn’t worried about emails or fight or flight-inducing notification sounds
grab a journal. even if you don’t end up writing anything, you’ll probably want to draw or doodle. i very much cherish my little coral reef
release expectations. what i said above about letting go of control, basically. if you’re neurotic like me, you’re much better off not expecting anything and just going with it as it comes
have something to eat afterward. you probably won’t be hungry, but a snack for your little post-trip ritual will do wonders and prolong the senses
i loved what psilocybin did for me, and i’d do it again in a heartbeat. some people get enlightened, others get stuck in travis kelce purgatory — you never know what you’ll get, and that’s the beauty of it. plus, either is valid. better luck next time — i’ve always been more of a jake gyllenhaal girl.
have you tried mushrooms? what was your first (or second, or third) experience like? tell me all about it, please, i need to know.
until next week!
with reticence,
valerie