this piece reminds me of mitski's quote in the new yorker: "i spent all my teen-age years being obsessed with beauty, and i'm very resentful about it and I’m very angry. i had so much intelligence and energy and drive, and instead of using that to study more, or instead of pursuing something or going out and learning about or changing the world, i directed all that fire inward, and burnt myself up.”
This needs to be screamed from the rooftops - the amount of life spirit, mental energy, and focus this sucks from women’s brains is unbearable. It’s funny to read this while on a similar journey right now myself -
I recently did an experiment where I consumed no beauty or appearance related content for a week, and engaged in no beauty-related behaviors. (It ended up extending far beyond a week).
I showered, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and that’s it. I basically copied my boyfriend’s routine, in terms of “getting ready” and in the media I consumed. I even avoided mirrors as much as I could. (The implications of this content & activity ban meant I also quit social media and skincare, completely.)
It was eye-opening, to say the least. I’m not going to lie, I thought “God, do men feel like this all the time?”
the relationship between beauty and worthiness is such a tricky and sticky slope, and this has been ingrained in us since birth.
i remember my mom telling me, "it's great that you're smart and capable and strong, but remember, beauty is everything," and i feel so incredibly sad to know that not only does society's perception of beauty affects me, but it affects my mom, her mom, her mom's mom.
thank you for writing this, i really needed it today ❤️
My mother said something similar to me. When I got a full academic scholarship to a private college I even overheard my mom talking to friends about how it would be a great place to find a husband 🤦♀️
I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in saying that at some level “being beautiful “ feels like the only worthy goal.
Beauty is deeply complicated and always has been. In a patriarchal society it has become one of the most complex currencies for women. It has the ability to give a woman leverage she may not otherwise have. Pretty privilege is real even if unfortunate. It can open doors, but like most things female, it’s a sword that cuts both ways. Beauty also paints a target on your back. Already hard enough to be a young woman, there’s also the added feeling of constantly being observed. We see beautiful women cut down all the time- almost as if their beauty takes….which gets weirder the more you think about it.
I remember my mother telling me when I was young (I’m 52 now so gen x) to always protect my looks but be careful not to only rely upon them in life. She often said,” don’t show your hurt to others because no one really feels sorry for a pretty girl. Most enjoy seeing her taken down a notch since she was given something she didn’t earn”.
Those comments shaped much of who I became….and also are stark reminders of what not to pass on to my own daughter.
It bothers me when I hear older women dismiss this as if it’s frivolous. Because, while it is frivolous, that doesn’t lessen the weight of expectations each generation of women deal. And to some extent my mother wasn’t wrong- being attractive has brought many things, and taken an equal amount.
She also touched on something, as did you in this piece, that we rarely discuss- the fourth wall. There’s a stigma around seeking beauty and an even larger one about admitting your own attractiveness. Which places women in the awkward position of feeling constantly judged for something they either have to pretend is effortless or have no knowledge of at all. I can’t help but feel that this speaks to women’s beauty as a consumable product that others have a right to even more than the woman herself.
As I said- it’s far from a simple and straightforward thing that can be solved if women just stopped caring about it.
wow Chris, thank you so much for all the insight. i keep re-reading this comment and finding new things to reflect on every time. the fourth wall part is painfully true - and it's a good thing that we're slowly starting to break it!
I had that privilege when I was younger and I can admit it now when I look back as a woman in her 50s. I wasn't the smartest, but I had felt it was my super power. I wish I could tell 20 year-old me, I had so much more to offer.
Just beautifully written. The person I wish I looked like sometimes barely looks like me - I will never look like him so I gave him a different name! I just wanted to say that, and to be clear I feel your piece was inclusive and I don’t mean this in a critical way at all, as a cis man I felt very spoken to and well understood by what you wrote about and I strongly believe there are people of all genders who can resonate with your words.
Feels serendipitous to have read this immediately after glancing at myself in the bathroom mirror at work (greasy hair slicked back in an amorphous ponytail, slouched posture, ill-fitted blouse, sheen from sweat or sunscreen, I’ll never know) and am breathing an enormous sigh of relief that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Will save this post to read again next week when I inevitably forget. Thank you for your words, your brain and your spirit!! What a treat. Figuratively crying in the club (the corner bathroom stall)
As someone who feels they have to spend valuable time to even pass for appearing passable in the eyes of others, I thank you for writing this. I admire those women who don't fuss over their appearance! Just have to add that unattractive people, without regard to their intelligence, wit, achievements, good works, etc, suffer the worst discrimination in our society.
Amen to everything you just said here, great read!
I regularly go through times when I correlate my self-worth with my looks and it sucks so much. It's like women have this button built in and it switches itself on to make us feel like shit.
I've felt this most of my life and now I am more than twice your age and I'm dealing with how I feel inside does not match the exterior. It's been a struggle. I wish for the body and face I had at 26, 36 or even 46. I know someday I will wish to have what I have now. I know I wasted enough time not feeling enough and body dysmorphia myself.
i love this piece so much. it’s so relatable. it reminds me of the lyric from Brand New City where Mitski says “If i gave up on being pretty i wouldn’t know how to be alive / i should move to a brand new city and teach myself how to die”
As a woman, especially a young women it’s so difficult to feel worthy of anything unless you’re beautiful and i often wonder how many women have cracked the code
"Striving for beauty is all I’ve ever known; it’s my modus operandi and honed skill, and I can’t fathom doing anything else. I don’t know who I am if I’m not trying to be beautiful." THIS. (Especially as a Libra woman!!) I want to scream at how accurate this essay is!
Valerie, I hesitate to remotely jump into the fray of your heart's cry in this well-written piece. I want to be respectful of your space and other commenters. That being said, as an Elder of 71 years, I could not feel more opposite to everything you say. Having been young once and busy chasing men and not obsessing with Instagram beauty, I am shocked and indignant at the pressure young women feel. I am angry .
I am also not a feminist, I am not guilty for the color of my skin ( pale white girl), obsessing over my lack of the rail-thin body of my youth, plenty of white hair and plenty of EARNED lines on my face. I do not think " patriarchy" or "cis" gender is at fault. The war between men and women is flaming to huge levels, to large numbers of lonely and angry people out there. Not remotely good. I weep over all this. Valerie, you write well. Your heart appears to be sorrowful and I at 71, know sorrow plenty well. I am not your enemy. My Boomer generation of women plowed into " sexual freedom " with nary a care or plan for repercussions. I deeply regret the pain we aimed off that now affects and your generation. Men and women at such huge odds, not remotely good.
I am typing on my phone and cannot fully edit until I press "post" so will be back momentarily to neaten up. I just want to say to all of you dear young women, look within. You are enough. You are loved by God. You have hearts that are needed. Praying for healing of sorrow. Wendy
Wendy, what a lovely comment ❤️ you brought tears to my eyes! thank you so much for writing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts. Thank you again ☺️
Valerie, I am humbly glad to hear back from you. I was worried that I had offended you and you were not happy to receive my differing comment. That is one amazing thing about Substack, we can all meet on a neutral plane and share and dialogue and learn from one another. I cannot imagine the pressure on youth today. It was difficult enough in my own youth, end of 1960's and through the 1970s. I was a far-Leftist and feminist and rabid promiscuous young lady, to my great regret (what I write about in my own Substack!) I can get verbose and do not want to talk your ears off. We can continue this via your comment section or you are welcome to send me a DM here on Substack and we can discuss there. Again, I am simply glad to hear back from you, that you received my comment in the loving way I was aiming it, to all you young women struggling in the harsh demands of not only 2024 but in being female. I have much to say about that and the ancient war between men and women. I went through a version of it in my youth but always glad to learn from others. Blessings to you and to your life and heart. I will be here. Honored that my words brought tears to your eyes, you words did the same for me, tonight! Wendy "WEW"
This is so well written - a gorgeous blend of hard facts and real human thoughts and feelings. I feel like almost every waking moment there's a sense of this in my head somewhere. I tie so much self worth to my beauty, my body and my productivity (which often relates to fitness/moving my body in some way). I'm trying to overcome it, but honestly, not sure I will be able to. There's so much said about getting into a headspace where you "appreciate your body for what it can do, not how it looks" and I'm like yeah, right!! Having come off socials for a month previously, I know that often helps in some way. As much as they can be a great source of inspiration and creativity, Instagram particularly is the ultimate sucker of self-esteem when you're trying to detach yourself from everything I just mentioned. Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts! 😊
Love what you said and you are absolutely right What I do to stop these thoughts and hyperfixations is I write in my journal everything I’m feeling highly recommend journal prompts for overthinking and I use social media to get inspired instead ❤️❤️
Deep, Valerie. Last week I felt moved to write a piece on ageism, so this helped. The industry I work in has it deeply engrained, navigating it with self compassion is a daily practice. While I don’t like giving advice, there’s this advice I would give to any woman I know: Unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. At least we should have a loving agency with our social media.
Thank you Alejandra 🤍 you’re such a light. Unfollowing definitely helps, and also surrounding yourself with people that aren’t hyperfocused on beauty themselves
this piece reminds me of mitski's quote in the new yorker: "i spent all my teen-age years being obsessed with beauty, and i'm very resentful about it and I’m very angry. i had so much intelligence and energy and drive, and instead of using that to study more, or instead of pursuing something or going out and learning about or changing the world, i directed all that fire inward, and burnt myself up.”
This needs to be screamed from the rooftops - the amount of life spirit, mental energy, and focus this sucks from women’s brains is unbearable. It’s funny to read this while on a similar journey right now myself -
I recently did an experiment where I consumed no beauty or appearance related content for a week, and engaged in no beauty-related behaviors. (It ended up extending far beyond a week).
I showered, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and that’s it. I basically copied my boyfriend’s routine, in terms of “getting ready” and in the media I consumed. I even avoided mirrors as much as I could. (The implications of this content & activity ban meant I also quit social media and skincare, completely.)
It was eye-opening, to say the least. I’m not going to lie, I thought “God, do men feel like this all the time?”
i wish you all a very ‘ “do i deserve this?” irrelevant. do you want it?’
valerie, this was beautifully written ❤️
the relationship between beauty and worthiness is such a tricky and sticky slope, and this has been ingrained in us since birth.
i remember my mom telling me, "it's great that you're smart and capable and strong, but remember, beauty is everything," and i feel so incredibly sad to know that not only does society's perception of beauty affects me, but it affects my mom, her mom, her mom's mom.
thank you for writing this, i really needed it today ❤️
My mother said something similar to me. When I got a full academic scholarship to a private college I even overheard my mom talking to friends about how it would be a great place to find a husband 🤦♀️
!!!!! oh man i resonate with the marriage talks so bad 😭
*effect
I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in saying that at some level “being beautiful “ feels like the only worthy goal.
Beauty is deeply complicated and always has been. In a patriarchal society it has become one of the most complex currencies for women. It has the ability to give a woman leverage she may not otherwise have. Pretty privilege is real even if unfortunate. It can open doors, but like most things female, it’s a sword that cuts both ways. Beauty also paints a target on your back. Already hard enough to be a young woman, there’s also the added feeling of constantly being observed. We see beautiful women cut down all the time- almost as if their beauty takes….which gets weirder the more you think about it.
I remember my mother telling me when I was young (I’m 52 now so gen x) to always protect my looks but be careful not to only rely upon them in life. She often said,” don’t show your hurt to others because no one really feels sorry for a pretty girl. Most enjoy seeing her taken down a notch since she was given something she didn’t earn”.
Those comments shaped much of who I became….and also are stark reminders of what not to pass on to my own daughter.
It bothers me when I hear older women dismiss this as if it’s frivolous. Because, while it is frivolous, that doesn’t lessen the weight of expectations each generation of women deal. And to some extent my mother wasn’t wrong- being attractive has brought many things, and taken an equal amount.
She also touched on something, as did you in this piece, that we rarely discuss- the fourth wall. There’s a stigma around seeking beauty and an even larger one about admitting your own attractiveness. Which places women in the awkward position of feeling constantly judged for something they either have to pretend is effortless or have no knowledge of at all. I can’t help but feel that this speaks to women’s beauty as a consumable product that others have a right to even more than the woman herself.
As I said- it’s far from a simple and straightforward thing that can be solved if women just stopped caring about it.
wow Chris, thank you so much for all the insight. i keep re-reading this comment and finding new things to reflect on every time. the fourth wall part is painfully true - and it's a good thing that we're slowly starting to break it!
These are all great thoughts and very true, from a fellow Gen Xer.
I had that privilege when I was younger and I can admit it now when I look back as a woman in her 50s. I wasn't the smartest, but I had felt it was my super power. I wish I could tell 20 year-old me, I had so much more to offer.
Just beautifully written. The person I wish I looked like sometimes barely looks like me - I will never look like him so I gave him a different name! I just wanted to say that, and to be clear I feel your piece was inclusive and I don’t mean this in a critical way at all, as a cis man I felt very spoken to and well understood by what you wrote about and I strongly believe there are people of all genders who can resonate with your words.
thank you for reading Hanan! absolutely, beauty standards can be just as cruel and detrimental to men. i hope we can all find some peace of mind 🤍
Feels serendipitous to have read this immediately after glancing at myself in the bathroom mirror at work (greasy hair slicked back in an amorphous ponytail, slouched posture, ill-fitted blouse, sheen from sweat or sunscreen, I’ll never know) and am breathing an enormous sigh of relief that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Will save this post to read again next week when I inevitably forget. Thank you for your words, your brain and your spirit!! What a treat. Figuratively crying in the club (the corner bathroom stall)
As someone who feels they have to spend valuable time to even pass for appearing passable in the eyes of others, I thank you for writing this. I admire those women who don't fuss over their appearance! Just have to add that unattractive people, without regard to their intelligence, wit, achievements, good works, etc, suffer the worst discrimination in our society.
Amen to everything you just said here, great read!
I regularly go through times when I correlate my self-worth with my looks and it sucks so much. It's like women have this button built in and it switches itself on to make us feel like shit.
I've felt this most of my life and now I am more than twice your age and I'm dealing with how I feel inside does not match the exterior. It's been a struggle. I wish for the body and face I had at 26, 36 or even 46. I know someday I will wish to have what I have now. I know I wasted enough time not feeling enough and body dysmorphia myself.
i love this piece so much. it’s so relatable. it reminds me of the lyric from Brand New City where Mitski says “If i gave up on being pretty i wouldn’t know how to be alive / i should move to a brand new city and teach myself how to die”
As a woman, especially a young women it’s so difficult to feel worthy of anything unless you’re beautiful and i often wonder how many women have cracked the code
"Striving for beauty is all I’ve ever known; it’s my modus operandi and honed skill, and I can’t fathom doing anything else. I don’t know who I am if I’m not trying to be beautiful." THIS. (Especially as a Libra woman!!) I want to scream at how accurate this essay is!
Valerie, I hesitate to remotely jump into the fray of your heart's cry in this well-written piece. I want to be respectful of your space and other commenters. That being said, as an Elder of 71 years, I could not feel more opposite to everything you say. Having been young once and busy chasing men and not obsessing with Instagram beauty, I am shocked and indignant at the pressure young women feel. I am angry .
I am also not a feminist, I am not guilty for the color of my skin ( pale white girl), obsessing over my lack of the rail-thin body of my youth, plenty of white hair and plenty of EARNED lines on my face. I do not think " patriarchy" or "cis" gender is at fault. The war between men and women is flaming to huge levels, to large numbers of lonely and angry people out there. Not remotely good. I weep over all this. Valerie, you write well. Your heart appears to be sorrowful and I at 71, know sorrow plenty well. I am not your enemy. My Boomer generation of women plowed into " sexual freedom " with nary a care or plan for repercussions. I deeply regret the pain we aimed off that now affects and your generation. Men and women at such huge odds, not remotely good.
I am typing on my phone and cannot fully edit until I press "post" so will be back momentarily to neaten up. I just want to say to all of you dear young women, look within. You are enough. You are loved by God. You have hearts that are needed. Praying for healing of sorrow. Wendy
Wendy, what a lovely comment ❤️ you brought tears to my eyes! thank you so much for writing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts. Thank you again ☺️
Valerie, I am humbly glad to hear back from you. I was worried that I had offended you and you were not happy to receive my differing comment. That is one amazing thing about Substack, we can all meet on a neutral plane and share and dialogue and learn from one another. I cannot imagine the pressure on youth today. It was difficult enough in my own youth, end of 1960's and through the 1970s. I was a far-Leftist and feminist and rabid promiscuous young lady, to my great regret (what I write about in my own Substack!) I can get verbose and do not want to talk your ears off. We can continue this via your comment section or you are welcome to send me a DM here on Substack and we can discuss there. Again, I am simply glad to hear back from you, that you received my comment in the loving way I was aiming it, to all you young women struggling in the harsh demands of not only 2024 but in being female. I have much to say about that and the ancient war between men and women. I went through a version of it in my youth but always glad to learn from others. Blessings to you and to your life and heart. I will be here. Honored that my words brought tears to your eyes, you words did the same for me, tonight! Wendy "WEW"
This is so well written - a gorgeous blend of hard facts and real human thoughts and feelings. I feel like almost every waking moment there's a sense of this in my head somewhere. I tie so much self worth to my beauty, my body and my productivity (which often relates to fitness/moving my body in some way). I'm trying to overcome it, but honestly, not sure I will be able to. There's so much said about getting into a headspace where you "appreciate your body for what it can do, not how it looks" and I'm like yeah, right!! Having come off socials for a month previously, I know that often helps in some way. As much as they can be a great source of inspiration and creativity, Instagram particularly is the ultimate sucker of self-esteem when you're trying to detach yourself from everything I just mentioned. Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts! 😊
Love what you said and you are absolutely right What I do to stop these thoughts and hyperfixations is I write in my journal everything I’m feeling highly recommend journal prompts for overthinking and I use social media to get inspired instead ❤️❤️
Deep, Valerie. Last week I felt moved to write a piece on ageism, so this helped. The industry I work in has it deeply engrained, navigating it with self compassion is a daily practice. While I don’t like giving advice, there’s this advice I would give to any woman I know: Unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. At least we should have a loving agency with our social media.
Thank you Alejandra 🤍 you’re such a light. Unfollowing definitely helps, and also surrounding yourself with people that aren’t hyperfocused on beauty themselves
i’ve been there many times. you wrote my inner dialogue. thank you!